Saturday, April 6, 2013

Paralyzing Regret

In just about two months, Kathy, Ben and I are going to be moving.  There are several reasons for our impending move, but they all basically boil down to my disability insurance ending, a lengthy call process in order to return to the parish, and poor job prospects in Rockford to keep us afloat in the meantime.  We will probably be moving in with my parents who live in Sedona, although there is a possibility of Kathy getting a chaplaincy internship in Washington, in which case we would live with some friends there temporarily.  Either way, we are heading west as soon as Ben finishes school in June.

My mood has been pretty good this past couple of weeks.  One way to get my mood to instantly drop, however, is to start focusing on this move.  Part of it is just the overwhelming amount of decisions that have to be made.  We are just not moving from one place to another; all of our stuff is either going to be sold or put in storage.  Along with getting all of the repairs done on the house in preparation to sell it, these are daunting tasks.

Paralyzing regret, however, is the main reason my mood drops.  Every box I pack, every room I clean and every repair I make, I fear will take me back to those feelings of regret that I still have about leaving the parish when I did.  I fear this will happen because just contemplating moving brings up these feelings.  The regret and guilt I feel about Ben having to give up his school, his scout troop, his room and his friends, stops me in my tracks.

Of course, I recognize that the regret and guilt are not rational.  At the time, I could not have continued in the pastoral role; depression is not something I did and I need not feel guilty about having it.  But all the same, I do feel regret and guilt, along with shame for my family having to live under the roof of another.  The problem is that all of this regret, guilt and shame do nothing to get boxes packed; and, as the date to move grows nearer, it just heaps stress onto the regret, guilt and shame.

Somehow it will all get done.  Dad is coming out in about ten days to lend a hand.  Although sad about the move, Ben is looking at it as a new adventure.  But the time between now and the move is still a bit of a mystery to me.  I really don't know how I am going to get through it.  By the grace of God, I will.  But how? That is still to be revealed.